Back again :)

To begin with, let me give you a status update that is long overdue. I bombed the MCAT but I still got in! Yes, I made it through! I’ll be starting medical school this August :) So, before I get back to the grind again, I’ve been traveling and trying to live out my dreams. I spent a good 2 months at India visiting family. I’m traveling within the U.S. over the next week. And then, I’ll be traveling to Europe for a month or so. It’s been great to finally have the time to breathe, to pause and take note of all that’s important to me. The last couple of years were a nightmare of sorts!

And because I so crave attention all the time, I’m going to copy-paste an email that one of my interviewers sent me after the acceptance:

“  Dear Ms. Roy,

"Let me just say at the outset that this is the most motivated, most unique, most interesting, most qualified, and most delightful applicant that I have reviewed or interviewed in many, many years." These were my opening remarks following our interview and I am happy to see that the committee agreed with me. Congratulations and I hope you decide to join our class...I know you have much  to contribute. Best of luck in all you do.

Da. Cu. M.D.”  (I’m not including the entire name for privacy)

Interesting side note about the interview with this doctor: We discussed everything under the sun, - including: Shakespeare, WWII- asia pacific chapter, Rohington Mistry and ‘A Fine Balance’, Indira Gandhi (!), how children don’t get to write letters anymore, Henri Cartier Bresson, Indo-Pak relations, Ukraine-Russia etc etc. - in addition to a lot around ethical scenarios in medicine. His final question (which is apparently common in interviews but i had no clue!) was : "what do you want the epitaph on your grave to say about you?"

I might have seemed rattled as I mumbled something about me never being in a grave but if I did, it would say, "she walked the talk." And I couldn't stop having nightmares after this horrifying answer! But in the end, one silly answer didn't matter, I suppose :)

The entire experience has been surreal. I came to know sometime last November of course - but the reality of it is only now sinking in. As I browse through student forums and find the applicants still struggling to get a foothold, most having been rejected this cycle, I cannot help being overcome by such gratitude as I have never felt before! This was a difficult journey. The uncertainty of it all was deeply overwhelming. But I made it. Oh thank God I made it!

But my success came at the cost of losing a lot of ‘friends’. I’ve never been good at making friends. It doesn't come easy to me. I’m not the most ‘likeable’ person. Never have been. So, whatever bridges that I did manage to build in the years that I have been here, now seem to be under water! 

There were some who would regularly call/meet with me every week to find out the results of my interviews. And finally when I got through, they all vanished! Just like that, all gone! Were they rooting for me to fail? Why?

Then there’s the other category of people who have gone out of their way to ‘celebrate’ my success. And at each such gathering, have made it a point to ask me how many interviews I got because anything less than 5 screams mediocrity (?!!); they tell me how they know of people who have made it through Harvard and the top med schools; how Minnesota wasn't in the elite league at all! 

And finally, there’s the third category of people who congratulate me and then go on a rant about how the medical profession is littered with corrupt practices, how I shall never be accepted by the ‘white’ fraternity, and how terribly wrong this decision was! 

It astounds me - not one person genuinely happy or proud of me. 

Except for the people who matter to me, of course. But they don't count, do they? :) I already know how they feel. 

I know I shouldn't bother with the random population of the world, the herd of mediocres and how they feel about it. But sadly enough, as always, I do..Anyhow, as I have been grappling with this, I have come to the realization that it is not ‘them’; it’s me. It has always been me. I have been so insecure about my relationships, that somehow or the other, and mostly inadvertently, I end up butchering them. Either in the way I talk or behave. Something about me puts people off. I have, of late, been thinking seriously about it. And I realize there’s something so black inside of my heart. I want to turn it inside-out and wash the mud off. And even as I do, it starts building up again. So much bitterness inside of me. How will I ever be cleansed?

Anyhow, let me end on a better note by attaching some pictures from the India trip. They make me smile. 

So long! I’ll be back soon!

Pieces of me..

One more week before D-Day. It’s astounding, how the outcomes of a 5 hour test determines what I will or will not be doing for the rest of my life! It is frustrating at so many levels, I have lost count now. It’s one thing competing with millions at a national level when one is a starry eyed 18 year old. But I am way past that age, am I not? Over time, the rosy idealism of the 18 year old has slowly given way to real-world considerations. And fear of the unknown now prevails. All pervading. Nauseas. Because you truly understand what’s at stake here. 

Anyhow, with the G away for 2 weeks, it was getting lonesome. So I took off with my camera last evening. And I figured I’d post a few pictures of what I saw. I guess the beauty of these pictures lie, not in technique, but simply the fact that they were all taken at home (except the railway tracks - 1 block from home). That’s what I love about the camera. It takes seemingly mundane objects and transforms them into something magical.. Not to sound narcissistic or anything :):) but I do hope you love them as much as I do :) Enjoy! 

Note: These were taken as part of a class assignment. We had to take pictures of everything that we saw, things that define us etc. There are many more. But I'm just posting some of my favorites ones here. 

This one's special. The red and gold jewelry signifies my 'Indian-ness' and the fact that  I am married. Plus, these earrings  are from my grand mother's wedding (passed on to me)..

Candles that I light every evening... Dad's picture in the background

My old guitar, now yellowed over time..

This gorgeous babe lives in my backyard with its family!

Shadows cast by the rising sun.

Taken in the back yard right after an afternoon shower.

One block away from home. I love this picture. It reminds me of the long journey ahead. 

Dreams....and then some!

As I begin to write today, I cannot help wondering who all will be reading this post. I have allowed my space here in the blog world to be so completely obliterated, and I have no one to blame but myself. I would have said that I missed being here. But the only reason I can miss being here is because I chose, every day, not to be here, right? So, I’m not complaining. But really, if there’s anyone still around, I have to say that it has been one hell of a long, uphill climb since I was last here. So let’s begin at the very beginning.

Back in 2011, when I last wrote, I was in the process of getting a masters degree in healthcare administration and hating every moment of it. Thereafter, I joined a hospital here in the Twin Cities as an Administrative Fellow, in the quality assurance and clinical effectiveness department. This was a much coveted position and I was happy to join. But then…ah! 

I had to leave. It was killing me, the mediocrity. It was becoming too miserable for godforsaken reasons. I quit a very well paying job with nothing lined up but the hope that someday I’ll come through again.

Oh I could continue this way; come in day after day, work like crazy, be driven by fear not passion, and go back home unhappy (having a weird boss didn't help much!). And I could kid myself into believing that I am doing a fantastic job; that the results I produce are outstanding; that I am creating value in spite of never being appreciated for it. And I could continue doing this day after day after day without giving a rat’s ass, just to be able to collect my pay check at the end of the week. But that’s not who I am. That is just not who I am. I left because I refused to treat myself this way; I left because I deserve better.

But I was scared. Oh I was so scared. To become a dependent again.. To not know what’s in store. But I am grateful for the support that I have. Without it, I would be lost.

You know, for years I have been wandering around, trying to figure out what is it that I really want. And yet again as I shake free from the ties that hold me down, I cannot help thinking that it’s about time I found some that simply bind and not gag…

 You see, starting afresh is not easy. It means an uphill climb from the bottom of the hill. I am no longer eligible to apply for a clinical residency, due to the time gap. So, if I want to practice medicine here in the U.S., I will have to go through the entire process again. In other words, repeat med school once again! 

Some people laughed in disbelief. Some thought I had gone crazy (with grief, at not having children!). Most, however, thought it was a very brave thing to do! To them, I say - there’s a very fine line between being foolhardy and being brave. This is neither. I hope this is neither (we'll find out soon enough!). This is simply being true to oneself. This is simply being able to follow my dreams. 

The G and some close friends have cautioned me about the uphill climb ahead. To quote a very dear friend (from his email):

“One word though, following dreams is indeed important, but be sure not to get blinded by your projection of the self. Visions of the self are usually distorted, dramatic and then they can be destructive. Growing up is to learn the balance between (i) privilege:following your dreams and (ii) doing what needs to be done even though there is no pleasure in it. These two things are hardly ever the same. All the best for this new endeavor, follow your dreams, do what needs to be done, have a perception of what is more important than others, keep the self and the drama in check, and i am not speaking to you if you still smoke.”

:) :) ;) ;)

I realize that there is no fear in ascent. The only real fear lies in remaining where you are. So, here I am today. After 2 years of quitting my job and working like a dog, I am proud to say that I just submitted my application to med school. 

More on the journey thus far in later posts. 

"It’s time to trust my instincts, close my eyes, and leap!
“I'm through accepting limits ''cause someone says they're so..
Some things I cannot change; But till I try, I'll never know!
It's time to try Defying gravity
I think I'll try Defying gravity
And you wont bring me down!”

The ties that bind....and gag!

It is the hour of the day I most look forward to. Here I stand, behind an old, discarded building that is nearly falling apart, amidst 3 women I know just from those 5 shared minutes each day. They are strangers to me, these women. And yet I know the pattern so clearly. Four of us, each lost in our own thoughts, sharing a coveted moment of peace; a drag or two of a cigarette, undiscovered, undisturbed by the world. Four women, partners in crime, stand here amidst the debris and the muddy snow, sharing a false sense of peace, a moment of respite, without which the day snails along.

One is a middle aged woman, about 50 I`d guess, always dressed in a pair of maroon corduroys and a pink fleece jacket. I see her in the university cafeteria often, picking up after the students. The other is a woman in her 40s, dressed in a pair of janitor scrubs and a flashy rainbow colored jacket. She wears glasses too. I see her every day in the hospital corridors. The third woman is a healthcare executive, in her 30s, always formally dressed. I counted up to 13 different pairs of shoes and then lost count. And interest too.

I share a nod with them. Often times a smile. And sometimes if I`m feeling chatty enough, a four-word conversation too. But I think about them often. Who are these women? Are they like me? Who do they go back home to? What keeps them awake at night? Have they lost a dear one like I have? Do they grapple with those invisible threads of peace that come within grasp once in a while and then as quickly slither away? What makes them smile? What makes them tick?

It`s strange, how often I come across them in the corridors, in the elevator, in the cafeteria..everywhere you know, going about their daily work. And yet, there are no knowing glances that reek of familiarity. But here.. here it is different. Here, standing amidst the building remains and the slush, we are no strangers here. A momentary truth of a connection..that`s all. No knowing smiles, nor expectations that weigh down on you. No judgments passed.

Sometimes the magic goes away if you look at the pieces too closely. And perhaps, I`m better off by simply letting it go at that.

Much has changed since the last time I wrote.. Just as it should, I suppose.

A year since I started going to the U and a year left to go. Life, however, continues to drift. Not as smoothly as I would expect, but drifting along all the same. I met new people, saw new places, and learnt new things about myself. Some that I was aware of as small underlying ripples beneath the surface and some that completely took me by surprise. Like how I absolutely love doing geeky stuff! The painful awareness that this may be one of the very, very few things I might have in common with The G. That even though I might sometimes feel embarrassed by fellow ‘desis’ by the overtly flamboyant moves, I have no patience, nor any level of understanding of people who are embarrassed about being ‘Indian’.

That there was a time in my life when I craved for company..some human touch; when solitude made me uncomfortable. And the realization that those times have changed. That now I long to be alone. I long to get away from people who judge me for not being ‘normal’. I long to understand what ‘being normal’ really means.. I can go for days without talking to people; without the weight of emails that need responses and phone calls that need returns. I long to be myself and not who others think I should be. And I wonder if friendship is overrated. And why being ‘social’ is touted as a virtue. And wanting to remain a loner is value-judged..

This perhaps is not the most appropriate of posts on ‘Friendship Day’, I realize.. Just that of late I have been feeling pretty unsettled and I needed to get the thoughts out of my system. However, to the very few ‘friends’ that I have remaining, who understand my need for some breathing room, and who would be reading this post even if no one else in the world does, I’d like to add that I love you and that I would not have made it through without you. Here`s to you and here`s to our friendship..

Let there be Peace..

Note: Thank you to everyone who sent in emails and comments. It means a lot to me. However, I have decided not to hold any discussions on this post. I hope you understand.

Not sure anyone visits me anymore. I haven't given anybody a reason to, I suppose. But today I feel this overwhelming urge to write only for myself. Nothing makes much sense to me anymore. Life as I know it, is so unpredictable. We are nothing but marionettes in the hands of The Almighty or Whoever is up there. May be there isn't anybody. Maybe it`s just our destiny. And that`s why all prayers go unheeded almost always.

I prayed every single day for IHM`s daughter. I don't know why, but I did. May be it was the vision of a mother sitting by a loved one near a hospital bed and praying for mercy. May be it was this vision that reminded me of my own mother and what she is going through. Whatever the reason, I prayed for her religiously, without fail. And today as I read IHM`s post, I am stunned beyond words. I sit here crying, helpless and scared - as I realize that prayers don't have the power to protect. Mine never do.

Death to me is baffling. The uncertainty of it all is scary. But what is even scarier is the absolute certainty. I still go around touching familiar photographs and memorabilia from the past, listening to familiar songs. Sometimes I fiddle around with a discarded fishing rod and sometimes with a decaying spool tape. And I smile at the memory of a 10 year old, skipping alongside her Dad on a warm summer afternoon, excited about her very first fishing trip. Have I mentioned that part of my Dad before? And I think of telling my Dad about the new pond I discovered in the woods just around our house. And the song I just picked up on the guitar. And that is when it punches me so hard in the gut that I crumble up on the floor. Unable to breathe. Unable to move in. Or move on. Yes, Death can be very baffling. One would think it is easy to think of happy memories about the person who means the most in the world and smile. But what does one really know..

Wordless Wednesday - 8

People, my very first attempt at shooting fireworks! Of course, there are several faults in the pictures and it would have been better with a nice, well lit back drop. But on the whole, I have to admit I`m very proud of these pictures! Over the last few months, I have spent hours reading up about various technical details and camera accessories as well as studying the pictures taken by professionals. And the hard work paid off, I guess :):) Here`s a collage of a few from my maiden attempt! Do click on it for a better view.

"You have to love a nation that celebrates its independence every July 4, not with a parade of guns, tanks, and soldiers who file by the White House in a show of strength and muscle, but with family picnics where kids throw Frisbees, the potato salad gets iffy, the flies die from happiness and the sky explodes in fireworks. You may think you have overeaten, but it is patriotism."

Erma Bombeck

I do! :)

Happy Independence Day, America! :)

Sinner or Sinned against???

Disclaimer: Thought for the day - I am NOT a gender stereotype (read a 'regular' female!), as many 'expect' me to be! Does that make me a sinner? Or simply 'the Sinned against' (given the multitude of unfair expectations of many) ??

Pal, Swaram and UmaS (unofficially!) tagged me to do this post on 'Sins on Gender stereotypes!" started by IHM (trust her to come up with something as interesting as this!)

To list at least ten things you have ever wanted to do or done which your gender is not 'supposed' to.

I thought this was a splendid way to break the mental block I was going through in terms of writing. And so here`s my list. I know this is a long, long read and so if you want to skip ahead, just read the footnote! :)

1. I whistle tunes perfectly.

2. I own more books and music cds than clothes and shoes. In fact I hardly go shopping for clothes, jewelery, shoes, make up.

3. I dont wear make up. Never have. No lipstick. No nail paint. No mascara or what have you! Not even a lip gloss.

4. I have never owned a stiletto, nor do I wish to.

5. I tune my own guitar without a tuner (not sure if this qualifies! Somehow I thought this was a pretty cool thing to be able to do!) :):)

6. I can climb trees or pipes on a building. I once climbed three stories up a water pipe, only to have my mom frantically shout at the caretaker of the building to pull me down. He was scared to climb up in the first place! So after much cajoling, I made my way down, only to be yanked up again by my mom (this time up the staircase!).

7. I love motor bikes. The best times I`ve had are the ones on my bike, riding out into the horizon on a warm summer evening all by myself. I miss those times. I miss them desperately. And right now, I`m saving to buy a Harley.

8. I detest doing house hold chores. The G does it all! :) He actually does! :)

9. I can spend hours in front of the t.v, watching sports. I spent a major part of the year watching NBA religiously. Now it`s the FIFA of course (I still cant believe Brazil just got kicked out!) And after this, I`m waiting eagerly for the National Football League season to begin. I`m a hard core Vikings fan (more so with Brett Favre in the team now!). For the uninitiated, he`s the quarterback in the National Football League for the Minnesota Vikings.

I am also addicted to watching the news all the time!

Which explains why The G and I never fight over the tv remote :)

10. I can pitch up a tent, make a fire and sit around all night singing. There was a time when I could do all of this alone. Not anymore though.

And now for the best part :) I, hereby tag:

Newmumontheblock

Mystic Margarita

Sraboney

MRC

Chatterbox

Shilpa

Sagarika

Tara

Is there anyone who`s not been tagged yet? Please feel free to take it up! :)

Footnote:

There are several other things I have done (and still do..) which are totally 'unfeminine'. But I do not want to mention them on a public forum and scandalize unsuspecting readers (read spying relatives and 'friends'!) into a state of shock! And so here is where I stop! But even

as I write this post, I realize that I have changed. I have changed so much and I`m not even sure if all of it was for the better. Over the years, there has been a mold I was cast into. I was the son my parents never had. Independent. Opinionated. And mostly free. I biked to the neighborhood corner store to fetch eggs or bread for Mom. I took tattered shoes to the cobbler`s for repair. I wore my hair very short and played cricket with the neighborhood kids. I bullied them into submission and led them to discarded wells (to throw in buckets and see the water splash) or dilapidated, crumbly houses to search for a witch(?!!). I seriously did that! And while I was busy doing all of this, life passed me by. I went on to join a medical school and then the army. And there was no looking back. Not until I met The G. And over the years of our togetherness, he has managed to unfold that part of me I never even knew, existed! There was a time when I was content to survive (and make him too!) on subway foot-longers and maggie noodles. Now, I take pride in preparing elaborate meals for him occasionally. Last year (on our vacation to Clearwater,Florida), I booked us a 3 hour long cruise into the Atlantic, where there would be a candle light dinner for two and some dancing into the night. And I even went so far as to buy myself a beautiful black dress :) Definitely a first timer for me! :) I`ve started keeping monthly appointments at the salon to do up my hair! I religiously wear the mandatory 'sindoor, shnakha pola' a married woman is supposed to wear back in my state of West Bengal and I do it because I like doing it! I`ve even started giving up on the bigger bite or saving the last bit for The G! And even though I still detest the color pink, I still dont do household chores, I still nurture the dream of owning a Harley someday and I go by my maiden name (and forever shall); He has managed to smoothen out the rough edges and turn me into the woman I was forever destined to be.. :)