Sunday, August 7, 2011

The ties that bind....and gag!

It is the hour of the day I most look forward to. Here I stand, behind an old, discarded building that is nearly falling apart, amidst 3 women I know just from those 5 shared minutes each day. They are strangers to me, these women. And yet I know the pattern so clearly. Four of us, each lost in our own thoughts, sharing a coveted moment of peace; a drag or two of a cigarette, undiscovered, undisturbed by the world. Four women, partners in crime, stand here amidst the debris and the muddy snow, sharing a false sense of peace, a moment of respite, without which the day snails along.

One is a middle aged woman, about 50 I`d guess, always dressed in a pair of maroon corduroys and a pink fleece jacket. I see her in the university cafeteria often, picking up after the students. The other is a woman in her 40s, dressed in a pair of janitor scrubs and a flashy rainbow colored jacket. She wears glasses too. I see her every day in the hospital corridors. The third woman is a healthcare executive, in her 30s, always formally dressed. I counted up to 13 different pairs of shoes and then lost count. And interest too.

I share a nod with them. Often times a smile. And sometimes if I`m feeling chatty enough, a four-word conversation too. But I think about them often. Who are these women? Are they like me? Who do they go back home to? What keeps them awake at night? Have they lost a dear one like I have? Do they grapple with those invisible threads of peace that come within grasp once in a while and then as quickly slither away? What makes them smile? What makes them tick?

It`s strange, how often I come across them in the corridors, in the elevator, in the cafeteria..everywhere you know, going about their daily work. And yet, there are no knowing glances that reek of familiarity. But here.. here it is different. Here, standing amidst the building remains and the slush, we are no strangers here. A momentary truth of a connection..that`s all. No knowing smiles, nor expectations that weigh down on you. No judgments passed.

Sometimes the magic goes away if you look at the pieces too closely. And perhaps, I`m better off by simply letting it go at that.

Much has changed since the last time I wrote.. Just as it should, I suppose.

A year since I started going to the U and a year left to go. Life, however, continues to drift. Not as smoothly as I would expect, but drifting along all the same. I met new people, saw new places, and learnt new things about myself. Some that I was aware of as small underlying ripples beneath the surface and some that completely took me by surprise. Like how I absolutely love doing geeky stuff! The painful awareness that this may be one of the very, very few things I might have in common with The G. That even though I might sometimes feel embarrassed by fellow ‘desis’ by the overtly flamboyant moves, I have no patience, nor any level of understanding of people who are embarrassed about being ‘Indian’.

That there was a time in my life when I craved for company..some human touch; when solitude made me uncomfortable. And the realization that those times have changed. That now I long to be alone. I long to get away from people who judge me for not being ‘normal’. I long to understand what ‘being normal’ really means.. I can go for days without talking to people; without the weight of emails that need responses and phone calls that need returns. I long to be myself and not who others think I should be. And I wonder if friendship is overrated. And why being ‘social’ is touted as a virtue. And wanting to remain a loner is value-judged..

This perhaps is not the most appropriate of posts on ‘Friendship Day’, I realize.. Just that of late I have been feeling pretty unsettled and I needed to get the thoughts out of my system. However, to the very few ‘friends’ that I have remaining, who understand my need for some breathing room, and who would be reading this post even if no one else in the world does, I’d like to add that I love you and that I would not have made it through without you. Here`s to you and here`s to our friendship..

25 comments:

Amrita said...

Pleasant surprise seeing your post!
I can completely understand when you say, seeing the pieces too closely makes us loose the magic. And we often times do try to reflect our lives on other people.
Solitude is a blessing. It is not a crime to lay claim to just ones own space. I feel its reflects an utter comfort in being oneself and enjoying what we are made up up,rather than looking for others to fill some aspects. There is nothing weird or anti social about it.
Take your time and as long as you have the people who matter and who understand, that is good enough. It is not important to have a good count - after all quality matter more than quantity, does nt it?

Take Care!!

Piper .. said...

@Amrita: :):) Thank you, my friend! Your message comforts me :) I didn't imagine anyone would read this post! It has been so, so long..

Amrita said...

Yea its been so so long, but then its quality rather than quantity isnt it?
I await your posts, which reverberate with your deep thoughts. They are joy to read Piper!

Fram Actual said...

You know, Piper, you have not changed a bit. Me, either.

A beautiful, thoughtful, well written post.

It is time for you to write some more, and it is nice to see you back on this sea of blogs again.

Piper .. said...

@Fram: :):) How have you been, my friend? I guess I have to admit you're perhaps right! Perhaps I may not have changed a bit. And hence the eternal struggle with questions that need answers and spirits that need letting go..
I'm not back. Not just yet. Are you? May be I should visit your blog to see What you've been up to..

It feels great to read your thoughts first thing in the morning! Like old times. Comforting to know that some things, some people don't really change..

Renu said...

good to see you back!!

Swaram said...

Thanks Piper and I love you too!
Ofcourse I will keep reading your posts.
I long to be myself and not who others think I should be. - Luv this :)
Hugs Mish!

Serendipity said...

Im so glad to see u back..and to know youre doing ok..
its weird, i feel connected to you somehow and your last post about maybe not posting for a while made me sad.. sending u a hug!

Piper .. said...

@Renu: thank you for visiting!! I'm not back yet, but will be soon:):) how are things with you? It's been quite a while..

@Swaram: I knew you'd be here!! Thank you so much for the warm words! :):) you made my day! Hugs back! And btw, been meaning to comment on your Yates pictures. They are awesome!:):)

@Serendipity: I know exactly how you feel! Funny I guess, but I often think about you & Orange Jammies!! :):) may be because I've known you guys longer.. It's a precious, magical connection and I'm very glad to see the threads still in place! How've you been, my friend? Email me, since I'm not quit back in the blogosphere! Not yet! Hugs!

moon said...

hi nice to see your post..i thk the university is taking your time..hey , personally i feel having lot of friends , even if they are not worth is any time better , than to be lonely yaar..cheer up..

jira said...

Every word in the last paragraph resonated with me. Missed your words.
Hope things are good at the U.
Love you too.
Hugs.

Sunshine said...

hi, its been a while but im def glad u posted! i sort of get what u say when sometimes the weight of emails to reply to & phone calls to return get too much and all i really want to do is stay in my cocoon of solitude!

i guess that's life? with its ups & down, moments of wanting solitude & moments of wanting to be the life of a party! :)

just glad to see a post from u after sooo long! *hugz*

my space said...

Piper..how r u ?? loooong time..its ok..i absolutely connect with u on this...there are times when I don`t feel the need to talk, socialise or even read maiils..wierd ? Maybe , but i think somewhere its essential to hold on to yourself..
I too am not active on blogworld..though at times jjust drop by to read a few of my fav blogs..urs is one..tc and come back whenever u r ready...
@renuji kya haal hain ? main aapko bhi bahut yaad karti hu :-)

Piper .. said...

Sunder: I guess I completely disagree with that! :):) It`s great to see you here. How have you been?

Jira: Heyyy how awesome to see you again! :) How`ve you been? Still in Texas?

Sunshine: Kiddo!!! It`s been a while, how`ve you been... I have to agree with everything you said, except that I haven't wanted a life of partying for the longest time now :):)

MySpace: OMG!!! How awesome to see you here! It has been so, so long! How have you been? Thanks for dropping by!

Deeps said...

Hopped by to tell you that I'm around :) and am really glad to know that you are too :). Its wonderful to read you again, Mish. Take care!

Piper .. said...

Deeps: OMG I saw your comment just now! :( Thanks for sticking around, Deeps! It means a lot.

Anonymous said...

I'm around too, Piper!

I think there is a loner in each one of us. Its just obvious some times, and at most times it isn't!

And yes, I too love my solitude... its strange, but I love it. So can I just say 'same pinch'.

Reflections said...

Piper, howz u???? Was just passing by and cdn't resist wishing U a Happy and Blessed year ahead:-))!!!

Piper .. said...

@writerzblock and Reflections: OMG!!!! I AM SO SORRY!!! I meant to publish the comments and reply back but somehow forgot about it!! :(:(

Are you guys still around? :(

my space said...

Hey Piper...how`dy ? Looong time...

moon said...

hi how are you doing?..

moon said...

hi how are you doing..

OrangeJammies said...

Hey my friend, Thought of you and stopped by to say hi. Hope you are well.

Piper .. said...

my space: Heyy...so sorry for the reallllllly late response! I havent been to this side of the world in ages! How have you been?

Sunder: long time...how have you been?

OJ: heyyyy...awesome to hear from you! How have you been? Long. long time...

my space said...

Piper...Hiya..hope you doing good..