Thursday, May 7, 2015

Back again :)

To begin with, let me give you a status update that is long overdue. I bombed the MCAT but I still got in! Yes, I made it through! I’ll be starting medical school this August :) So, before I get back to the grind again, I’ve been traveling and trying to live out my dreams. I spent a good 2 months at India visiting family. I’m traveling within the U.S. over the next week. And then, I’ll be traveling to Europe for a month or so. It’s been great to finally have the time to breathe, to pause and take note of all that’s important to me. The last couple of years were a nightmare of sorts!

And because I so crave attention all the time, I’m going to copy-paste an email that one of my interviewers sent me after the acceptance:

“  Dear Ms. Roy,
"Let me just say at the outset that this is the most motivated, most unique, most interesting, most qualified, and most delightful applicant that I have reviewed or interviewed in many, many years." These were my opening remarks following our interview and I am happy to see that the committee agreed with me. Congratulations and I hope you decide to join our class...I know you have much  to contribute. Best of luck in all you do.
Da. Cu. M.D.”  (I’m not including the entire name for privacy)

Interesting side note about the interview with this doctor: We discussed everything under the sun, - including: Shakespeare, WWII- asia pacific chapter, Rohington Mistry and ‘A Fine Balance’, Indira Gandhi (!), how children don’t get to write letters anymore, Henri Cartier Bresson, Indo-Pak relations, Ukraine-Russia etc etc. - in addition to a lot around ethical scenarios in medicine. His final question (which is apparently common in interviews but i had no clue!) was : "what do you want the epitaph on your grave to say about you?"
I might have seemed rattled as I mumbled something about me never being in a grave but if I did, it would say, "she walked the talk." And I couldn't stop having nightmares after this horrifying answer! But in the end, one silly answer didn't matter, I suppose :)

The entire experience has been surreal. I came to know sometime last November of course - but the reality of it is only now sinking in. As I browse through student forums and find the applicants still struggling to get a foothold, most having been rejected this cycle, I cannot help being overcome by such gratitude as I have never felt before! This was a difficult journey. The uncertainty of it all was deeply overwhelming. But I made it. Oh thank God I made it!

But my success came at the cost of losing a lot of ‘friends’. I’ve never been good at making friends. It doesn't come easy to me. I’m not the most ‘likeable’ person. Never have been. So, whatever bridges that I did manage to build in the years that I have been here, now seem to be under water! 
There were some who would regularly call/meet with me every week to find out the results of my interviews. And finally when I got through, they all vanished! Just like that, all gone! Were they rooting for me to fail? Why?
Then there’s the other category of people who have gone out of their way to ‘celebrate’ my success. And at each such gathering, have made it a point to ask me how many interviews I got because anything less than 5 screams mediocrity (?!!); they tell me how they know of people who have made it through Harvard and the top med schools; how Minnesota wasn't in the elite league at all! 
And finally, there’s the third category of people who congratulate me and then go on a rant about how the medical profession is littered with corrupt practices, how I shall never be accepted by the ‘white’ fraternity, and how terribly wrong this decision was! 

It astounds me - not one person genuinely happy or proud of me. 

Except for the people who matter to me, of course. But they don't count, do they? :) I already know how they feel. 

I know I shouldn't bother with the random population of the world, the herd of mediocres and how they feel about it. But sadly enough, as always, I do..Anyhow, as I have been grappling with this, I have come to the realization that it is not ‘them’; it’s me. It has always been me. I have been so insecure about my relationships, that somehow or the other, and mostly inadvertently, I end up butchering them. Either in the way I talk or behave. Something about me puts people off. I have, of late, been thinking seriously about it. And I realize there’s something so black inside of my heart. I want to turn it inside-out and wash the mud off. And even as I do, it starts building up again. So much bitterness inside of me. How will I ever be cleansed?

Anyhow, let me end on a better note by attaching some pictures from the India trip. They make me smile. 

So long! I’ll be back soon!


Fram Actual said...

It is nice to see you back on the blogs, Piper, and congratulations on your pending return to the world of medicine.

I am impressed with your photography, and I expect to be seeing more of it reflecting your travels here and in Europe. It seems life is opening up for you in many bright and brilliant ways. I am happy for you .... have fun ....

Swaram said...

Am really happy for you Mishy!:) Congrats and wishing you the very best.

And I love the 'walk the talk' answer :)

Annnd lovely pics ofcourse :)

Piper .. said...

Fram: Thank you so much! :) I remember your wishes when I was just beginning this journey (2 posts back); and your advice to remain focused! Thank you for the warm words! How have you been?

Swaram: Thanks so much :) And you've seen these pics on fb too :)

Amrita said...

yayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy congratulationssssssssssss!!!!!! You took a step.. and you will be seeing the fruition of ur efforts! Can anything be more amazing than that?
And wow! that was high praise indeed by the interviewer doc!
Well.. it does nt matter what people make of our actions, for each has their own yardsticks. Bruce Willis says in RED2, it either right or wrong. But then isnt each ones right different. Anyhoo who cares, in the grand scheme of things, you are making a move for the better.. so go gurl!! There may or may not be people to cheer, but as long as you feel your heart is in the right place - you are all right (I think!)
Your India pics seem very very interesting! went to lotsa places eh ?

Piper .. said...

Amrita: Thanks so very much for the wonderful comments :) I'm sorry about the late response - I was traveling! I am very relieved of course and very, very grateful that it all worked out well in the end :) How have you been?

Amrita said...

yeah good good :)

my space said...

Congrats Piper...i admire your spirit...i guess by now you would have started your course and am sure you will love it..darling we all have dark spaces within us and the fact that you acknowledge it is proof enough that you will overcome it..
Dont be so harsh on n hugs