Tuesday, June 10, 2014

Dreams....and then some!

As I begin to write today, I cannot help wondering who all will be reading this post. I have allowed my space here in the blog world to be so completely obliterated, and I have no one to blame but myself. I would have said that I missed being here. But the only reason I can miss being here is because I chose, every day, not to be here, right? So, I’m not complaining. But really, if there’s anyone still around, I have to say that it has been one hell of a long, uphill climb since I was last here. So let’s begin at the very beginning.

Back in 2011, when I last wrote, I was in the process of getting a masters degree in healthcare administration and hating every moment of it. Thereafter, I joined a hospital here in the Twin Cities as an Administrative Fellow, in the quality assurance and clinical effectiveness department. This was a much coveted position and I was happy to join. But then…ah! 

I had to leave. It was killing me, the mediocrity. It was becoming too miserable for godforsaken reasons. I quit a very well paying job with nothing lined up but the hope that someday I’ll come through again.

Oh I could continue this way; come in day after day, work like crazy, be driven by fear not passion, and go back home unhappy (having a weird boss didn't help much!). And I could kid myself into believing that I am doing a fantastic job; that the results I produce are outstanding; that I am creating value in spite of never being appreciated for it. And I could continue doing this day after day after day without giving a rat’s ass, just to be able to collect my pay check at the end of the week. But that’s not who I am. That is just not who I am. I left because I refused to treat myself this way; I left because I deserve better.

But I was scared. Oh I was so scared. To become a dependent again.. To not know what’s in store. But I am grateful for the support that I have. Without it, I would be lost.

You know, for years I have been wandering around, trying to figure out what is it that I really want. And yet again as I shake free from the ties that hold me down, I cannot help thinking that it’s about time I found some that simply bind and not gag…

 You see, starting afresh is not easy. It means an uphill climb from the bottom of the hill. I am no longer eligible to apply for a clinical residency, due to the time gap. So, if I want to practice medicine here in the U.S., I will have to go through the entire process again. In other words, repeat med school once again! 

Some people laughed in disbelief. Some thought I had gone crazy (with grief, at not having children!). Most, however, thought it was a very brave thing to do! To them, I say - there’s a very fine line between being foolhardy and being brave. This is neither. I hope this is neither (we'll find out soon enough!). This is simply being true to oneself. This is simply being able to follow my dreams. 

The G and some close friends have cautioned me about the uphill climb ahead. To quote a very dear friend (from his email):

“One word though, following dreams is indeed important, but be sure not to get blinded by your projection of the self. Visions of the self are usually distorted, dramatic and then they can be destructive. Growing up is to learn the balance between (i) privilege:following your dreams and (ii) doing what needs to be done even though there is no pleasure in it. These two things are hardly ever the same. All the best for this new endeavor, follow your dreams, do what needs to be done, have a perception of what is more important than others, keep the self and the drama in check, and i am not speaking to you if you still smoke.”

:) :) ;) ;)

I realize that there is no fear in ascent. The only real fear lies in remaining where you are. So, here I am today. After 2 years of quitting my job and working like a dog, I am proud to say that I just submitted my application to med school. 

More on the journey thus far in later posts. 



"It’s time to trust my instincts, close my eyes, and leap!
“I'm through accepting limits ''cause someone says they're so..
Some things I cannot change; But till I try, I'll never know!
It's time to try Defying gravity
I think I'll try Defying gravity
And you wont bring me down!”




11 comments:

Fram Actual said...

Well, I will be ......

Hi here, Piper. I had no idea if you were in Minnesota, in India or even at the South Pole. You vanished very abruptly and very completely.

I will keep this short. It is nice to see you again. I hope all is fine in your personal life. I wish you good luck in your new endeavor with med school. I think most of us can achieve just about anything we want if we are willing to focus and to work hard. I have no doubt you have the ability if you truly wish to accomplish this feat.

Piper .. said...

Oh Fram! So wonderful to hear from you!! I did visit your blog once/twice, left a comment. Went back searching for your reply, but couldn't find it :)
Anyhow, water under the bridge I suppose.
I've been here all along. Was in Brazil for a while. Haven't been to India since Dec 2011. How have you been? Here? Poland? Some place else?

Indyeah said...

Good to see you after long. All the best:)((hugs))

Piper .. said...

Indyeah: How absolutely wonderful to hear from you!! :) Thanks so much! How have you been, my friend?

Amrita said...

Piper you are back! i did read your post yesterday.. but did nt manage the time to post a comment.
Well i live by the norm that its better to take the wrong turn than to stand at the cross roads forever.. so ...go for it.. its gonna be hard, but when has anything worth achieving come easy?
Good luck. keep the faith and hope for the very best!
and continue posting. Pleaseeeeeeeeee

Amrita said...

Piper you are back! i did read your post yesterday.. but did nt manage the time to post a comment.
Well i live by the norm that its better to take the wrong turn than to stand at the cross roads forever.. so ...go for it.. its gonna be hard, but when has anything worth achieving come easy?
Good luck. keep the faith and hope for the very best!
and continue posting. Pleaseeeeeeeeee

Piper .. said...

Amrita: So awesome to hear from you!! How have you been girl? Thanks so much for your warm words of support!

Amrita said...

Same old same old :) You hang in there :) and keep posting now that you are back

Sunshine said...

yaaayyy ur back!! :) thats really brave what ur doing babe, so proud of u! im sure ull do great! :)

Sunshine said...

ur bacccckkk!! :) yay!! wow ur really doing a brave thing, so proud of u!! im sure u will do great!! :)

Piper .. said...

Sunshine: :):) and you're back here too :) I have to catch up with the Seattle Chronicles soon :):) But its's fantastic to see your pictures on FB and watch you shine :) Hugs