My mind is in such a turmoil.
Emotions run rife.Like the rain.
The first drops always refreshing, smooth.Then it gets heavy and cold.By the time I am halfway back home, the wind shrieks through my hair and the rain makes my shirt cling. It batters my bare legs so violent that, for a minute I`m afraid I might never find my way back home..
Emotions are like that. Like the rain.
I sit here alone, typing. It`s the first day of work after the spring break and The G`s coming home late. He has to accompany a visiting faculty to dinner. So I sit here listening to this Spanish song “cucurrucucu paloma” performed by a Brazilian legend Caetano Veloso, in a scene from the movie 'Talk to Her'.
And I wonder how it`ll feel to have dinner alone.
May be I shouldn't listen to it anymore. This song has such a melancholic tinge. It makes me very sad. And yet, I go back again and again to listen. It has a mesmerizing purity about it.
People, I finally got to attend the music club meeting I was talking about. It was awesome; a great change for me. And I will continue to attend the subsequent meetings as well. But I felt like a fool.There were so many great voices there and I ended up so nervous, that I could hardly sing.Gone are those days when I would feel as comfortable jamming with friends in a stuffy ol` room as I would, singing on stage. Gone are the kicks that came from knowing I was one of the best.
Here I was just a new-comer, a nobody. Someone who couldn't get two notes straight. I sat quietly at the corner of a bed and listened to the others sing. I chatted up bull with some nice people. Exchanged phone numbers politely. Smiled some. And laughed some more. I drank up vodka in a plastic cup at 3 in the afternoon. And I realized that life happened when I was busy planning something else. That everything fades away. Eventually everything does.
And here I am, after all these years, flitting around, searching for my lost colors and finding none.
I have nothing.
No career. No job. No money. No friends. Nothing to feel proud of.
Just simple, forbidden desires which seem to have minds of their own and will not play dead, no matter how much I implore.
Yes, that`s all I have.
Wacky desires. Three stories in a book. And this blog to my name.
Have you ever felt the world slipping away from your grasp?
Have you ever felt like a perfect A$%%hole and wished you could disappear?
I wonder why I was delusional enough to think that the world would revolve around me..like it sometimes would.
I know most of you must be tired reading my rants all the time.
I dont know what`s bothering me..
May be it is the fact that it`s almost one whole year that Dad left. And I`m still
aching so bad, I want to die.
May be it is because I suddenly miss hearing his voice on the telephone. Ohh it`s been so,so long..
Or may be..just may be I need to get myself a few friends I can share some laughs with.
May be I really ought to..
P.S - Do listen to the song. It`s beautiful.
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13 comments:
Your pain and the feeling of being lonely dripped in your words.
The hurt of loosing someone dear and very close can last for a long time. I guess your idea of making a few friends shall definitely do wonders for your loosing self confidence and feelings of sadness.
Thank you for sharing that beautiful song.
I hope you feel better soon.
You are a gifted writer, I'd love to read more from you :)
Take care :)
Cheers!!
Sweety, you just stay too cooped up, that's all. Go out, get some fresh air, explore your surroundings, make some friends, it will completely change your thoughts. And if nothing else, go and start some volunteer work. It will let you know how blessed and fortunate you are to be where you are, and there are so many really unfortunate people in the world. Go out, and I mean it, just go out , be with people, it will help. Trust me on this one. Hugs, and hugs again!
PS - The music club is a great start, and the first time with new people, any normal person would be a bit nervous, nothing to beat yourself up about. And yes, with age, that hormonal courage recedes, no biggie!
Oh Mishy.dont be so sad..your dad will be always there in your heart..and he would like to see you happy....you are such a sweet soul that you cant say you have nothing..you have something which very few people have..a pure heart.
lots of love and best wishes.
First - I am not tired of your rants, your writings just show you understand your feelings and keep doing that.
Second - Yes there are times when one measures oneself on the yardstick of career, friends, money and the whole lot of blah. I know even I do that. Sometimes when I think of leaving the job I pinch myself and say whoa! u cant do without a career. But then think about it, many times, there are other things which are more worthwhile, other "abstract" things which add more meaning to the thing called life. So keep watching out for them. I might be sounding too vague, but if you get the drift, just try.
Third - Hmmm your dads absence will always haunt you, cherish it. Again here, think of him as being in peace and not having to pass through major disabilities.
Fourth - I penned my thoughts on the marriage questions u raised :)
Hi! I just discovered your blog recently! You have an awesome blog, and so much talent! When things get tough, just take a deep breath, and take it one day at a time.
I am sure in due time things will fall into place, and make sense. Until then enjoy the search, and remain optimistic, and count your blessings.
Nikki
Chatterbox: Thank you for the compliments!:) You`re quite an amazing writer yourself :) I read the short story you sent. Will send in my comments soon. For now, let me say that it was awesome! Keep visiting :)
Goof: I did try to make new friends - ended up making a complete ass of myself. You know all of it, so I dont need to tell you more :):) BUt yes, it`s a beautiful day and I shall step out :) Thanks for your support! I dont know what I would have done without you. Hugs.
Samvedna: :):) Thank you so much! You are always very generous with your thoughts and you always make me feel so happy :):) Thanks a lot!
Amrita: I get your drift alright! Thanks for the support,my friend :) I so need it :) I`ll hop over right now to read the post.
Anonymous: Hey, Thanks for dropping by! You just made my day :):) And hope you visit again. Btw, are you Nikki Bajpai, by any chance? Just curious..
Nope, don't know who that is. This is just a nickname.
Take care
Anonymous: Well, thank goodness for that. For a minute I was worried :)
Hope to see you here again..
hey! i know what u mean...sometimes its just easy to get bogged down by everything that doesnt seem to work right in life! and i can imagine how much u must b missing your dad!
take one day at a time...look for the good in every single day and maybe along the way ul realize that there is so much that is actually right with you & ur life!
sending u loadz of *hugz*!! and hello i thought we were friends? dont say u dont have friends! :) yes blog friends...but something better than nothing na? :)
You never make an ass of yourself girl, you just learn every step in life teaches you something, nothing is a loss. Keep that in mind, so smile, knowing you know something new now, and have fun!
Sunshine: Hugs back :):) thank you so much! How`s your grandmom doing now?
Goof: I guess you`re right.. I need to start learning from the 'mistakes', I guess..
she is doing better altho she still has passing headaches...they are going to see a specialist later in june in bombay! hopefully he should be able to help!
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