To Be or Not to Be..

The time-worn debate about whether to work or stay at home is a minefield. Just as changing one`s field of study or ‘expertise’ is. For reasons best known to them, people can be very touchy about the subject. It’s an emotional topic, and feelings of guilt, defensiveness, and stress make it tricky to discuss, even on the most superficial level. Based on the reactions that I get from other people as well as my own to such queries, I haven’t yet found the best way to politely inquire about a new acquaintance’s situation .For two reasons. Firstly because for most parts, I don’t feel the need to. Unlike most others who make it their business to advise or guide me about living my life. And how! And secondly because I am not exactly an epitome of tact!

Well-meaning people often ask “so are you working , or staying at home?” This is often followed by a self-conscious pause, and then a quick addendum: “I mean, staying at home is the hardest job in the world! I don’t know how you do it!” It’s a nice thing to say, though the implication can sometimes be terribly annoying. And I for one,just cannot fathom what an appropriate response to that could be.

In general, I’m not that sensitive about this, but I have my moments.

The other day a ‘well-meaning’ acquaintance from college asked me what my plans were. She seemed genuinely concerned about how off-track my life seemed to be, as compared to the rest of my batchmates (Some in post-grad courses back home, while some having completed residency,are now well into fellowships in the various U.S med schools. But ALL - I repeat ALL are practising some form of medicine or atleast claim to!).

“ You should start preparing for the Steps* right away. I mean,if you don’t, you`ll never be able to join residency by 2009.Which means that you`ll not be able to finish by 2012. By which time,you`ll have to hurry with the family plans .I mean really hurry, huh? We aren’t getting any younger!”

*(USMLE Steps are the qualifying exams for admission to medical residency courses in the U.S med schools.)

“I know, I know. But I`m still unsure about the residency. I`m considering a master`s in Psychology instead.”

“ Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaattttttttt????” She shrieks, “ And waste 5 years of Med School?? Why did you study medicine in the first place??”

“Boy! If Only I knew the answer to that one!” thought I.

“ Well, Psychology is what I`ve always wanted to do. In any case, I haven’t yet decided. So there,there,” I said by way of consoling her. Amazing how people think they care about my life when actually it wouldn’t make a speck of a difference whether I exist or not.

Anyway, the episode left me wondering.

So what’s the best way to ask, IF at all? We are ,after all, Indians. Our culture places a strong link between what we do and who we are. In most social interactions, it’s one of the first three questions we ask: What’s your name? Where do you live? What do you do?

I don’t mean to overthink this (obviously, I’m failing miserably here), but there are three thoughts that come to mind right away.

First that, for those who are dying of curiosity, the query could be posed a little less provocatively. Therefore,“So are you working or sitting around eating bonbons” would be a bad choice.

A better choice would be “So are you home during the day?.” To me, the old standard, “So what do you do” is also just fine.

The other thought is that we, who are asked this question, should really get over it. It’s not that deep, and carrying a chip on our shoulder isn’t helping any.

But how we feel about being asked such a question is also very important. And so, even though “What I normally do” is kick ass on a daily basis, and I’ll probably be happy to tell you about it, however you pose the question. Still, just don’t push it! :-))

And lastly, the reason I`m reacting to it all is simply this. That I`m a lost soul, scuttling across the universe in Brownian motion. Without the faintest inkling of what I`m going to do in life.

Nope, not without the idea of what I want in life. Oh no! Not that! Because I know what I want to do. But not what I should.

So for people who are curious about my life or ask me what I`m doing, how about this?

I`m trying to decide. To Be or Not to Be..