Relationships

MM`s blog set me thinking. About people in decaying relationships, who don’t allow themselves the freedom to be free.

I know of a collegue who was in this state.

It was the summer of 2005. The ceasefire was functional,which meant that we had the freedom to sit outside our bunkers in the daytime,without the fear of becoming an easy target to the enemies across the border. It meant that we were free to breathe the same air,to see the same sky and feel the same breeze against our faces as the rest of the world. As I sat outside reading,one such summer day, this colleague of mine – for all practical purposes lets call her D – came and sat beside me on the steps. She looked happier than she had in months. Much at peace with her self. I asked her if T was returning back today.

She had been in a volatile relationship with T for the past 6 months now, ever since she landed up here in this wilderness. T gave her a reason to exist. And even though,through the days I have seen her been trampled upon, yet she clung possessively to T. He had made it amply clear to her that she should never expect anything from him – not trust, not fidelity, not commitment. Just as he would not expect it back in return. That both of them should have the option to walk, at any time. It seemed like the ideal thing to D.She loved the fact that he was so open, so honest about it. No hidden agendas, no breach of trust.What she wasn’t counting on,is to fall in love. But she did. T kept warning her off and on. But she was happy to have someone around, in the middle of nowhere. Especially after the last traumatic break-up.

All so often I could see D,sitting quietly and shedding lonely tears. Over some rough words from the T,when she had expressed her dislike at the plentiful telephone calls from various women all over the nation. He was supposedly in multiple relationships – 2 were married women. One widowed. And the latest one was D. He spoke of them all, triumphantly – as if they were conquests to be proud of. He said that each one gave him a different kind of joy. While one was bold and interesting to talk to, the other was timid and let him talk. However he said that he had never spent as much time and as interesting a time as he did with D. The thought made her happy.She thought he might start loving her back.

(An after thought : discussing issues of mental/physical infidelity with a group of friends, G was surprised to hear that things like this happen back home. Even in good ol` laid-back Kolkata. Yes, it does. That`ll be another blog.)

Time and again I kept warning D not to play with fire. That she would end up burnt and broken beyond repair. But the relationship continued.And I hoped, for her sake, that she would be happy.

And now as D came and sat beside me, I asked her if T was returning back from his leave. She said that she just spoke to him. He will be here the day after. And that he is really looking forward to meeting her after 2 months. D seemed really happy. For days she had been waiting for him to get back. And finally the month long wait was coming to an end.

But what she had obviously not anticipated was, that along with the wait, the relationship was coming to an end as well.

T returned back from leave, with another woman in tow. It was beyond anyone`s imagination, the nerve of this man! For one moment, when D saw her, she was numb. Maybe things didnt quite register. The next wild moment, she was hysterical. Then neurotic. But she still didnt quite understand. Or maybe didnt want to. He called her up and asked her to join them for dinner. She did. And then she was back in my room, screamimg away into the wild night. She was angry. As angry as I had never seen anyone before. Anger at letting him treat her this way. Anger at the weakness of allowing this 'thing' to mean this much to her. She wanted to walk away. Desperately wanted to. But I knew she couldnt. That she wont.
She continued to visit the two of them off and on, whenever invited. Whenever not, she spent the time gulping down bottles of Old Monk. And then one fine day, she woke up and decided that she has had enough. She called up the higher formation head quarters and asked for a transfer to a sub-unit at another location. And within 2 days, she was gone. Just a few days back, she was content. Not overtly happy. But reasonably content.And at peace with herself. All of that had changed now. But I`m glad she had the strength to walk out when she did.

Anyway, so the other day when I read a post on women in gagging relationships on MM`s blog, I have been thinking about D and wondering why she fell in love with such an eternal bastard in the first place. And I realize that at that particular phase in life and in the seclusion of the hills around, D was desperately lonely.

(I`m amazed at the varied ways of coping with loneliness and stress by varied people. G doesnt know what feeling lonely is like.But I do. G says when he`s alone or used to be, he would read books, listen to music all night long or work at our favourite coffee shop. But that`ll be in another blog).

Her previous relationship of 6 years was coming to an end. The loneliness was painful and she yearned to escape from behind the walls of her individual identity. Escape and be more unified with the world outside of her being. Falling in 'love'
(and thts why its called falling I guess!) with this man was a sudden collapse of her own ego boundaries,permitting her to merge her identity with that of his.The sudden release of D from herself. The explosive outpouring of herself into him. And more so because he was very receptive. The dramatic surcease of loneliness experienced by D as ecstatic. She and T were one! Loneliness and heartache was no more! She thought that the strength of their feelings or the times they spent together would conquer all obstacles. Would make T bow down in submission.That the future will be bright.
The unreality of these feelings never surfaced at that point.. Because falling in 'love' is not an act of will. It is not a conscious choice.

More later..