Excerpts from the Diary of an Ordinary Woman..

Another day goes by and I continue to drift – without a purpose,without a reason,without an aim. Adding on layers of disgust with every passing moment, as I accomplish nothing, as I strive for nothing.

What a pity! I have ceased to live. And I am responsible for it.

I feel bound to my own created obligations, the rationale of which gets into doubt once in a while.

What is my purpose,I ask myself and seldom find an answer. I guess I ask too big a question. I am an ordinary human being who was born and will die just like scores of others,doing my bit in this 2-dimensional world. Struggling with questions that have no answers.

Looking back at past times I had carelessly labeled as ‘bad’, I`m stunned by the revelation. That I was happy living in the superficial world I had created. It was gratifying. Now when I think back, the best times were those when I was alone and focused. Studying in my store house of a room.And listening to my own voice for inspiration. The world began and ended there. Beautiful,when I come to think of it. Just pushing my limits and discovering I could go a little further with each passing day.

Inspiration is what I`m lacking and comparison with distant possibilities, is what is killing me sad.

But I cant be sympathizing with myself at 31. No Way! So many limitations compounded with the futility of the state of affairs. Not able to decide the course of my life. Am lacking conviction and clarity. Not able to let go. Perhaps due to fear. Or perhaps due to an abnormal denial of reality. Still trying to be someone better. Trying to fit into the mold that the world has cast for m

So many ripples..

I have to somehow let go..

It`s getting too depressing for god-forsaken reasons. Absolute anhedonia bordering on the periphery of depression. And guess who is responsible for it?!!

Tomorrow will be another day, different from today. And I shall strive to make something of it. I have to. I am not going down like this. Like a loser. I will go back to the drawing board, redesign my life. Change it. Push myself. Set goals. Learn to live my life. By Jove! I have wasted half of it making mistakes. Let me now spend the rest, rectifying those.

I get knocked down. But I get up again. And again, as always..