For the longest time, I have been thinking about an incident that a close friend happened to narrate about someone she knew.
He is a 50 year old man, a German by birth; adopted by American parents; happily married for the last 20 years with grown-up children of his own; living the American Dream. For years and years,he had been trying to trace his biological parents. And about a year ago,when he finally did,they were gone. But he could still reunite with the rest of his family including a younger brother he never knew he had.
The whole episode has a bollywoodish tinge to it. Without the theatrics.
Such is reality. Such is life.
I just havent been able to stop thinking about it.
Imagine the joys and fears of finally having traced one`s parents after years and years of struggle and anticipation, only to find them dead. Imagine the horror. Imagine never learning why he was abandoned, while the rest of the family lived on to have normal lives. Imagine not knowing any of those answers at all.
Which brings me to an important issue I have been thinking about for ages now. I still havent found an answer.
Visualize this. You make a huge investment of trust in your parents for several years, only to realize that you dont know who they are at all. Imagine having to return back to the drawing board to restructure them again.
Which brings me to the question I have been asking myself for the longest time now.
Do you think it`s wise for a child to know that he is adopted?
At what age and under what circumstances should he be told?
At what age do you think, a mind develops enough tensile strength to stretch, but not break under the horror of this knowledge?
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Tough questions...I don't know what the answers are although I feel a child should be told he's adopted pref. by the adopters before he finds out from a different source...
I do not think there is a correct answer here, Piper. Good arguments can be made from both sides, to tell or not to tell, which is not to mention consideration of age should "to tell" be chosen.
All the adoptive parents can do, from my point of view, is make a decision based on their own beliefs in terms of what they think is best for this particular adopted child.
I have personal experience.The child MUST be told about the reality.The right age for the male child is between8-12 yrs and for the female child the suggested age is between5-10 yrs.
The child must not be given a sudden shock.It should be narrated in a story form.
Very difficult to say. But yes, the child should know and should be told by the parents before he chances upon that information by accident. I don't know what age that maturity should come at, but the child should be mature enough to understand that while biological parents are very, very important, the parents who never let the child feel like an adopted one are just as important, if not more.
dunno answers to any of those..but i wish lord gives strength to your friend
I really wonder, why adopted children want to know their biological parents" Arent the parents who took all the trouble to bring them up are the real ones, do they deserve this humiliation? why this craving? Is giving birth so important?
I think the chapter must be closed forever, and children must never be told.
"Horror of this knowledge"? Is it so horrible to be adopted? Mostly it is a blessing, for all.
Sraboney: Exactly what I think too, but at what age? I dont think there can be a generalized answer.
Fram: I guess I`ll have to agree with you Fram. There can never be a correct answer. Because the family dynamics are different for different people, so are the answers.
BK Chowla: Sir, I agree that they must be told. But I`m curious about the exact age that you`ve quoted. Is there a study or something?
D: I agree. But dont you think a person will have some amount of curiosity to know why he was abandoned? Its only normal, right?
ani_aset: Yes, we pray for him too.
Renu: You have got it all wrong, I think. It is not a matter of humiliating the people who have adopted. But dont you think a person..any person will have some amount of curiosity to learn how he landed up for adoption, why was he abandoned? That is not to say that he is humiliating anyone. Its a normal reaction, I would think. People who adopt a child are sure of this consequence.
Anonymous: I`m afraid I disagree with you. Of course its a horror situation when all of a sudden after several years, you`re told that the people you love as your mom dad, arent really your mom dad - that your biological parents(for whatever reasons) chose to give you away. NO matter who you are and what age, the initial reaction will definitely be one of horror.Most definitely it will.
Thanks for dropping by. Is this your first time?
Its easier said than done. But the child must be told I guess. The child should be made to understand that the birth mother gave him/her up because she hoped for a better life for the child. And the mother who raises him does it out of nothing but love.
I was thinking of Devaki and Yashoda, both were equally revered by Krishna and maybe Yashoda was loved more ....but in a depraved world I am afraid it becomes difficult to justify sometimes why people give up their babies.
To me, definetly it should be revealed as early as possible...
To me, definetly it should be revealed as early as possible...
I have a friend from work who traced her biological parents and she continues to love her adoptive parents as much as she used to, if not more. She says she wanted to find her biological parents as she wanted a sense of closure - and I understand why she wanted that.
I have given this issue a lot of thought - and i know that experts and psychologists recommend that the child should be told. In spite of how mildly one breaks it, I know that it must be really traumatic for the child. But unfortunately, there's no way of keeping the truth hidden - it's bound to come out through someone or some thing - so the child needs to be told around 10 years of age - and in a way that makes the child feel special for having brought joy to his adoptive parents' lives.
Piper, Honestly i don't think its a question of whether you should tell a child she is adopted. It has to be told, it cannot be hidden, with all the paperwork involved. The question is how and when the thing needs to be revealed to the child. And if the parents who adopt the child, really and truly love her, does it matter?
tough to answer,Mish.I really dont know what is the right time to tell an adopted child of his/her truth. Although I agree with sraboney and feel he should know the truth if at all,from his foster family rather than knowing from a different source.
Hmmmm...very difficult really to give a yes or no answer. For different reasons both r right. Few sensitive children with low self-esteem may take the news badly. I wd say tht it has to be told for the simple reason tht the child must not hear a tangled up version of his/her adoption from anybody else & be shocked.
I was thinking about this - putting myself in the place of the adopted child and I think I would want to hear it from my adoptive parents maybe as early as I could understand it...somehow I think kids have a better resilience of mind to deal with such stuff...and if i heard about this once I was an adult - it would hit harder!
does that make sense?
I came back to this post three times and yet can't find anything intelligent to say. Though D's comment had me nodding in agreement with her.
Is this about someone you know?
Chrysalis: You`ll be surprised at how varied the reasons are,though no one gives up a baby unless there`s some very pressing reason to do so. I`m sure each one is justifiable.
Sunder: How early is the qstn? Will a 5 year year old even understand the implication? Or maybe that`s the idea? To reveal when the child is not old enough to fully understand?
Mystic: Exactly! I think the child should be told at an early age when he`s old enough to understand the concept of biological parents but young enough not to get traumatized by the truth.
Passionate Goof: I`m sure it matters. I`m sure I`ll be curious to know why I was given up in the first place. Wouldnt you? And that`s reason enough to seek out one`s biological parents,no matter what the cost.
Deeps: Yes, so do I. The child has to learn from the parents and not from an outside source.
Reflections: Well, you`ve opened up another thread of thought. It might also depend on the inherent nature of the child - if one is reticent and withdrawn by nature, I dont know how wise it is to reveal the truth at an early age. There cant be a right answer to this, can there?
Sunshine: Makes perfect sense! That`s what I wrote to Mystic. Its easier to deal with issues like this when we are younger - just because we dont fully understand the implications of it.
Miss M: :):) it wasnt such an intelligent qstn,after all - I realize. Because there cant be a right answer. It has to depend on the child`s nature, the circumstances at home etc etc.
And yes, it was about this guy I wrote about, that set me thinking. He`s a friend of a close friend of mine.
Really tough..
I think, the child needs to be told. What time, I really don't know. But I think the parents would know when the child is mature enough to be able to handle it.
And I think it is important for the child not to feel abandoned -or that his adoptive parents have done him/her a favour by adopting him/her, you know.. I remember reading somewhere, about how one adopted daughter felt that and how it made things very difficult.
I think that the age will change based every child's circumstances.. But I think it would probably be better to let the child know before the teenage years start.. Leaving it too late or not telling the child at all, is not a good idea - in my opinion.
Piper: When I said unjustified reasons I was thinking of irresponsible teen pregnancies and giving up of babies by drug junkies. My friend you will be surprised that some reasons are actually difficult to justify ...a lapse in judgement, accident, not planned....tell that to a child born under such circumstances, one who has to bear the lifelong consequences..
Hi Piper :)
Having dealt with this in my own family, I believe it is good to tell the child at the earliest possible age.
I have an adopted sister that came into our lives when she was 16 so it was not an issue with her. She was happy and we were happy to welcome her into our family.
Few years later the same sister had a baby, my nephew. She did not marry the father and when my nephew was about 2 she married her husband and has been married since...close to 25 years now. They never told my nephew until he was a teenager and it was devastating to him at that time. I believe had they told him when he was about 5, he would have easily accepted it. He loves my brother-in-law and my brother-in-law loves him like his own son.
There is a saying about adopted children, "You may not have grown under my heart, but you have grown in it." Being adopted makes you no less of a person..you were chosen special, and that is something to be cherished always.
I think I will be shattered if I get to know that those I believe are my parents are infact not! Irrespective of the age factor. It kind of shakes the very foundation of my existence!
I have seen a few cases like this is...
One child was given for adoption..in the next 20 years tables turned financially for his both set of parents, biological one became rich and then they attracted the child with their affluence, and the one who adopted were quite desolate at being leftalone after 20 years of bringing a child..
Normally parents are quite possesive in respect to their children, they cant share them easily.
One place in the opposite scenario..the child after knowing wantsto help the biological parents and the adoptive ones dont like..o there is always a conflict.
My take is that adoption must be done from an orphanage and no past records be kept for the peace.
My boro maashi and mesho adopted a child after 17 years of a childless marriage. Then, three months later, she got pregnant.
Physically speaking, my adopted cousin was as different from my maashi, mesho and other cousin as ivory is from ebony. As she grew up, she suspected things and she was subjected to taunts and jeers from her peer group who kept telling her that she didn't seem like her mother's daughter. I can not even begin to describe the trauma the entire family went through until my by-then-19-year-old-cousin went on a rampage, breaking things in the house and screaming at her parents for the truth.
You know the phrase, "The truth shall set you free?" Well, it did. The four of them are a close family now. The trauma is over.
I have met a couple of families where the child is adopted and they've known about it from a young age. And they're fine, bright, happy children.
I personally feel, that the sooner you tell them, the better it is...for the entire family.
I think the child should know that he/she is adopted. when is the right time? I have no idea. But I do know that if and when I do adopt, I will tell the kid at some point or the other and I'll make sure I'm armed with all the possible answers to questions he/she may have...even if some of them may not seem to help. The purpose is to be open and honest and work it from there.
How have you been. been reading your post...just did'nt ahve time to comment. now I'm back :)
Miss You
Smitha: I completely agree with your stand. Its a call the parents need to make,depending on the maturity level of the child in concern.
Chrysalis: I grant you this one :):)
TheChicGeek: I know for sure it can be traumatic for a child in his teens to cope with something like this. I have seen a friend of mine go through the same. At 5, a child wouldnt really register the significance. But may be a little later, he will.
writerzblock: I so agree! But maybe the jolt will be a shade less if revealed during formative years(say before teenage) because then the child doent really understand the full impact!
Renu: What you talk about,is an eventuality. I dont agree with you on this Renu. Records need to be kept. Everyone should have the right to know when he/she came from.
M4: I`m so glad things worked out fine for this cousin. I agree - the sooner you know, the better it is.
Just call me A: Heyyy, so glad to see you back! Finally!! How have you been, my friend? I left quite a few msgs on your blog.
Hi there,
I know its easier said than done and people who go through it, actually go through a lot...
But, If i ever found out that I was adopted, I would never want to know who my real parents were or why they gave me up. For me, my parents will always remain my parents... so what if they adopted me... if they cud love me for what i am, i shud be able to love them for what they are... parents are parents not just because they bore you, but because they went through all the hardships, so that u cud smile :)
well...i believe that you should start giving hints from the very young age only...so that it doesn't come like a big shock ...coz there are very high chances that the child will get to know about it from some or the other person some day for sure. If one gets to know it later from someone else ...one might not be able to accept it or deal with it....but if the child knows it already and knows that no matter from where he came... his parents love him very much... it will be a much better situation and will save the relationshipa and the child from possible emotional shock and damage.
i know....thank you for that.....that and other messages got me back to blogging. i've been ok. not too great. perils of the economy hangs low and gloommy
Nova: True that parents are parents not only because they bear us. But if ever I was in the place I describe, I would most certainly want to find out why I was given up on. Welcome to my blog. I`ve been really late in replying to your comment, I know. BUt I hope you do visit again :):)
Minticetea: I agree. A child ought to be told at a young age, when the impact will be much lesser and easier to bear. Welcome to my space, and the delay in replying notwithstanding,I do hope you visit again :) What does your name mean btw? :):)
Just call me A: Ohh I do hope you`re doing better now sweetie. Hugs
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