Dreams....and then some!

As I begin to write today, I cannot help wondering who all will be reading this post. I have allowed my space here in the blog world to be so completely obliterated, and I have no one to blame but myself. I would have said that I missed being here. But the only reason I can miss being here is because I chose, every day, not to be here, right? So, I’m not complaining. But really, if there’s anyone still around, I have to say that it has been one hell of a long, uphill climb since I was last here. So let’s begin at the very beginning.

Back in 2011, when I last wrote, I was in the process of getting a masters degree in healthcare administration and hating every moment of it. Thereafter, I joined a hospital here in the Twin Cities as an Administrative Fellow, in the quality assurance and clinical effectiveness department. This was a much coveted position and I was happy to join. But then…ah! 

I had to leave. It was killing me, the mediocrity. It was becoming too miserable for godforsaken reasons. I quit a very well paying job with nothing lined up but the hope that someday I’ll come through again.

Oh I could continue this way; come in day after day, work like crazy, be driven by fear not passion, and go back home unhappy (having a weird boss didn't help much!). And I could kid myself into believing that I am doing a fantastic job; that the results I produce are outstanding; that I am creating value in spite of never being appreciated for it. And I could continue doing this day after day after day without giving a rat’s ass, just to be able to collect my pay check at the end of the week. But that’s not who I am. That is just not who I am. I left because I refused to treat myself this way; I left because I deserve better.

But I was scared. Oh I was so scared. To become a dependent again.. To not know what’s in store. But I am grateful for the support that I have. Without it, I would be lost.

You know, for years I have been wandering around, trying to figure out what is it that I really want. And yet again as I shake free from the ties that hold me down, I cannot help thinking that it’s about time I found some that simply bind and not gag…

 You see, starting afresh is not easy. It means an uphill climb from the bottom of the hill. I am no longer eligible to apply for a clinical residency, due to the time gap. So, if I want to practice medicine here in the U.S., I will have to go through the entire process again. In other words, repeat med school once again! 

Some people laughed in disbelief. Some thought I had gone crazy (with grief, at not having children!). Most, however, thought it was a very brave thing to do! To them, I say - there’s a very fine line between being foolhardy and being brave. This is neither. I hope this is neither (we'll find out soon enough!). This is simply being true to oneself. This is simply being able to follow my dreams. 

The G and some close friends have cautioned me about the uphill climb ahead. To quote a very dear friend (from his email):

“One word though, following dreams is indeed important, but be sure not to get blinded by your projection of the self. Visions of the self are usually distorted, dramatic and then they can be destructive. Growing up is to learn the balance between (i) privilege:following your dreams and (ii) doing what needs to be done even though there is no pleasure in it. These two things are hardly ever the same. All the best for this new endeavor, follow your dreams, do what needs to be done, have a perception of what is more important than others, keep the self and the drama in check, and i am not speaking to you if you still smoke.”

:) :) ;) ;)

I realize that there is no fear in ascent. The only real fear lies in remaining where you are. So, here I am today. After 2 years of quitting my job and working like a dog, I am proud to say that I just submitted my application to med school. 

More on the journey thus far in later posts. 

"It’s time to trust my instincts, close my eyes, and leap!
“I'm through accepting limits ''cause someone says they're so..
Some things I cannot change; But till I try, I'll never know!
It's time to try Defying gravity
I think I'll try Defying gravity
And you wont bring me down!”